Dumb Minds Think Alike

I’m tempted to list all the clichés that make people look bad on dating websites, but a Google search has showed me that there have been enough writers to cover almost the full spectrum of mire. However, there are a few clichés that should be brought to light here.

“No serial killers or axe murderers.”

“I want Mister Right, not Mister Right Now.”

“Don’t send me a message if you’re racist.”

The latter is a disconcerting one, and it’s one that I mostly see on white women’s profiles as opposed to dark-skinned ones. I sometimes like to check out the competition, and I can tell you for a fact that there are no men who have used that line (although there are many who use the term “mates and dates”). Often is the case when a woman uses her profile to display a list of disclaimers, and the anti-racism one is more frequent than a disclaimer that says: “Don’t contact me if you’re sexist.”

I find it particularly disconcerting if a woman has an anti-racist disclaimer but she has no photos of dark-skinned friends, or even willing to disclose to me in private if she has dated an ethnic minority. The disclaimer doesn’t work because not all racists are outspoken. There are many racist people who are subtle, and find various ways to hide it…even going so far as to use friendly and insincerely self-defacing excuses to hide their beliefs. Technology has given people an excuse to be evasive hence ghosting. Through social media, people have learned to conceal their negative character traits. The worst thing to happen with phone technology is also the best. If a woman hides her face behind filters or an extreme contrast setting where you can only see the basic contour of her face, you know that she is too self-conscious about not only herself but about the possibility of dating someone who is less than perfect looking.

Then there is the issue of failing to understand how literally technically that a dating app works. Quite a few times, I sent a message to women who not only blocked me but sent a message beforehand. Often, I logged in to my e-mail account to see if I had got any messages from Plenty of Fish. Seeing that I have a message, I log in to find that my inbox is blank. At least on OkCupid, you can see the preview of a message in your e-mail account. Speaking of glitches, too many women make the mistake of joining a dating site but listing the wrong gender. In the case of POF, it only works if you’re looking for gay friends and bi lovers. Speaking of sexual orientation, telling an ethnic minority “I’m not being racist, but…” is the equivalent of saying “I’m not being homophobic, but…”

Some middle-class women mention on their profiles that they want someone who is “university educated” — an oxymoron because there are many stereotypical working-class people who attend university (including those who study art). A lot of women on dating sites don’t bother with writing their summaries. Some women only type a full stop. I usually send a message to them on the lines of: “Turn that full stop into an ellipsis, because a full stop is the end whereas an ellipsis is to be continued.”

I remember one time when I was on OkCupid, I was asked by a young woman about why I couldn’t land dates. This working-class woman was surprised that I would pick her as a candidate. I told her that I was being turned down by so many white women. The white woman responded: “Black people can be racist, too.”

This made no sense for her to say this. We weren’t having a conversation about which is the most racist race, but she was clearly deflecting because I had touched a raw nerve. Besides, you can’t compare a black person’s racism with a white person’s racism. If a black person is racist towards white people, it’s because they are victims of racial oppression. Usually, a white person’s racism comes from a place of being an oppressor than a victim. Ironically, black people have more reasons to be racist against white people than vice-versa because it’s easier for a black person to be exposed to a white person than vice-versa. One annoying cliché is when a white person claims that they don’t see colour despite the fact that most of their friends are white.

One cliché that I’ve encountered on dating sites is an English woman who incorrectly describes herself. When a woman says she doesn’t care what people think, what she really means is that she doesn’t care what strangers think. I had yet to encounter a English woman who is truly independent, somebody who doesn’t rely on the approval of her friends and family. Then there are women who describes themselves as nice, but that’s only true if they mean that they don’t destroy people’s lives. The woman may be nice to her friends and family but impolite to strangers, especially coloured ones. One thing that’s particularly concerning is seeing a woman show off her volunteer status by displaying photos of herself doing charity work in Africa…despite the fact that she would never go out with a black guy.

Another contradiction is turning down a fellow rocker for not being rich or looking like he could be a rock star. Most of the successful punk and metal bands came from either poor or standard working-class backgrounds. Very few had the sort of middle-class background that you would associate with indie rock bands who attended university. Thinking back to the oldest generation of British rockers who grew up in the aftermath of World War II, they were especially poor but most young fans wouldn’t know about their backgrounds because they are more interested in listening to the music than learning about the histories of those who created it. For a guy who has been occasionally dismissed as not being true metal, I probably knew more about metal producers than the average young metalhead did.

There is a distinct type of lying that I’ve only encountered in England, not just online. There is no real terminology for it, so I’m going to have to describe it as pre-emptive denial. The way that it goes is that a person will lie to you about someone’s feelings about you even though you’ve not said anything to warrant the lie. There was one time when I was in some guy’s house after attending another guy’s house party. At the second house, I remember his mother talking to him in the kitchen but I couldn’t hear what they were saying, yet I could tell she was talking about me because she looked at me. After she went away, her son told me that she thought I was hot. Her tone of voice and facial expression didn’t reflect that. There was a white girl on the VampireFreaks site who expressed an interest in dating me. She told me that her friend liked me, but it turned out to be a lie when I sent her a message on Facebook. To understand the sociological context, these were all working-class Northerners.

Considering that swinger sites are more down-to-earth, it’s no surprise that there are women who are more outspoken about wanting black men. Conversely, there are more women who are outspoken about what they don’t want ethnically. One woman mentioned on her profile that she didn’t want blacks or Asians. Because of my appearance being best described as ethnically ambiguous, I messaged her to say: “What about Mexicans or Aboriginal-Australians?”

I got no response, but I leave you now with what happened when I asked a woman why she didn’t want to date me. To give you an idea of what she looked like, she had dark hair, wore glasses and wasn’t good-looking. She wasn’t ugly, just mediocre. However, I was civil to her throughout the conversation, especially when I asked why she didn’t see herself dating me. She said: “For one, because you look nothing like my Prince Charming overly perfect image in my head.”

Me: “What image do you have?”

Her: “Have no idea but I will know once I see him.”