Being Asexual

When I was a child, I presumed that I would be sexually active at the age of 18. When I was home-schooled, I wasn’t in a position where I could befriend girls. I felt less like a teenager and more like a child. As such, dating and sex weren’t relevant to me. During my home tutelage, I went onto a forum about Asian cinema called City on Fire (named after the 1987 Hong Kong film that inspired Quentin Tarantino for Reservoir Dogs). One of the members, a guy named Numskull (Eric Clark), revealed his list of reasons for not wanting to have a girlfriend. It might not have made me cynical but it made me tolerate the concept of being alone, because the more that I had read, heard and saw things, the less optimistic that I became.

When I started college, I didn’t get an erection after seeing good-looking girls. I could never comprehend the concept of guys getting erections unless they masturbated, took Viagra or woke up in the morning (some guys get erections during constipation). It would be easy to assume that my sexual inactivity was due to not being around girls during my home-schooling years or because my hormones were slowly developing (especially since I have a thyroid problem), but when I fell in love with a girl who I had a very long conversation with, I still had no erection. With the exception of being flirted with, it’s only when I drank alcohol at a bar that I would get an erection. My ethos towards sex was that if things are destined to happen then I would be approached instead of vice-versa. Also, I didn’t want women to see me as sleazy. Let’s be honest, if a guy asks a woman out, it’s possible he wants something that he can’t get in a friendship.

For me, being asexual is like being a child. No sexual urges means that my mind is focused on things such as writing, reading, playing computer games, watching TV or YouTube and various other platonic activities. I can imagine that an asexual woman would say it’s like being a girl all over again. Being asexual is as much of a psychological thing as it is physical. The more that I saw relationships fall apart, the less interested that I became in having one. If I only had flings, I would feel guilty about being seen as the sort of guy who doesn’t want commitment. I believe that relationships should mean something. Despite being asexual, I’ve been kissed by 22 women. All of whom were white except for a Eurasian girl at my second college. My desire to be kissed was more to do with wanting to feel loved than wanting a prelude to sexual activities.

Part of why I’m asexual is because no-one flirted with me at my first college. The North of England is a frustrating place to grow up in if you’re an ethnic minority. In my case, I’m half white and half black but I look Asian. When Americans talk about loving England, they tend to refer to the South i.e. London. If they do “love” the North, it tends to be because of the scenery i.e. the agriculture and architecture. After I left college, I quickly came to find that most white women want to go beyond the platonic with either white men or white women. There are some white women who love black guys but wouldn’t date an Asian guy. There are some white women who have a thing for Asian guys but would be turned off when they learn that I’m half black. I didn’t fare better with ethnic minorities. When I had long dreadlocks, people would ask me what my ethnicity was (as if there was a possibility that I could be an Asian guy or a Mexican).

Over the years, I’ve had a wide range of hairstyles. I even tried the bald look in 2016, but I still couldn’t get anywhere with women. For a long time, having long hair actually went against me. I used to be a member of the British heavy metal community but I gradually found that most white metalheads want white lovers. The Laina Dawes book, What Are You Doing Here?: A Black Woman’s Life and Liberation in Heavy Metal, reflects how I felt. Once I cut my hair to something that could be regarded as indie length, I still couldn’t win over female rockers because they made assumptions about what my English and class is. Quite frankly, I’m a lot more well-spoken, well-mannered and well-educated than most people gave me credit for. This is why it’s hard for me to make friends as well as actually succeed in landing dates. In conclusion, sexuality is as much of a psychological thing as it is physical. Maybe I would have been more sexually active had women been more forthcoming.